The 10 Best Pants to Wear When Getting a Lap Dance
Posted by Liquid Lapdance on February 26, 2012 1 Comment
The selection of soft, baggy pants available today is surprisingly large. At Liquid Lapdance, our testers have tried them all. We've found, the key to choosing the right strip club pants for you, is to find a pant that gets the job done AND fits your personality. You need to be comfortable, and you need to FEEL comfortable too. Of course there are other desirable features which we'll get into below...
#1 The Hardcore Regular - Nothing says "There's no shame in my game" like wearing a pair of athletic shorts to the club. Give her easy up-leg access with the Microshorts II by Under Armour. These shorts were born for the club. They feature a "Lightweight, 4-way stretch fabric" and a "9 inch deep inseam"... You know you'll need it! Phone first to make sure the club you're headed to doesn't have a dress code.
#2 The Business Man - If you're the type of guy who's most comfortable in a three-piece suit, no need to change before heading to the club. Formal wear may not seem like ideal lap dancing attire, but few garments are as thin and pleasure conducting as a fine pair of trousers. Flat-front trousers are the more stylish option, but pleated trousers were designed with your erectile tissue in mind. Consider this pair of Double Reverse Pleat Dress Pants by Ralph Lauren... We're pretty sure Ralph conceived of them while receiving a lap dance. Features include a "natural stretch fabric and lining" that "moves with you and looks great all day". They have an "engineered stretch waistband" that "expands up to 2 inches for comfort". They boast a "Teflon coating for stain resistance", they're "lined to the knee", and they have "button-through back pockets" to keep your money safe during the dance. Bravo!
#3 The Yogi - What dancer wouldn't rather dance for a guy who's at peace with the universe? Let the girls know your chakras are open, and you're ready for some serious grinding by showing up to the club in the Prana Sutra Pant by Prana. Features include an "inseam gusset" for crotch-room, "front pockets with stitch detail" so they don't look (as much) like pajama pants, a "drawstring waist" so you can leave your belt at home, and "super-wide legs" in case you end up in the downward dong position during the dance. They're a favorite among yogis because of their "breathability, limitless movement, and mindful use of hemp and PET". We love them because they offer all the benefits of wearing sweatpants to the strip club without having to actually wear sweatpants to the strip club.
#4 The Modern Hippie - Hippies don't like anything that has them by the balls. Not mainstream culture, not the government, not a greedy corporation, not a pair of underwear... and CERTAINLY not the inseam of a pair of trousers. Hippies do like lap dances, though... (although they prefer free ones). What could possibly be a better trouser for the strip-clubbing hippie than the Harem Pant by Pop Homme? As noted in the description, "You will be more handsome and vigorous with the harem pants". And you'll certainly appreciate, "the freedom of movement and soft comfort".
#5 The Pro Athlete - Nothing says, "I'm hung like Kobe" quite as well as rolling up to the club wearing the Los Angeles Lakers On-Court Warmup Pant by Adidas. The pant features a woven Clima® fabric mix and an embroidered NBA team patch on the left hip. Buy them at the NBA store for added street cred.
#6 The Lounge Lizard - Nothing says, "I'm here every Tuesday" like walking into strip club with a pair of sweatpants on. But, that never stopped any of the Liquid Lapdance testers. If you're gonna do it, do it in style with the Hugo Boss French Terry Lounge Pant. They're every bit as soft as the softest pair of sweats, and they don't give that K-mart vibe. The wide elastic waistband and non-elastic cuffs have the attitude of a much more formal pant. You can expect the girls to giggle with appreciation as they rub their bottom up and down your luxurious lap... And by the end of the night they'll have forgotten you were there last Tuesday... wearing the same pant... sitting in the same corner...
#7 The Trust Fund Baby - There's perhaps no pair of britches on earth that says, "My grandpa made the money I'm about to stuff in your g-string" better than the Cubavera Linen Drawstring Pant from Macy's. "Light, comfortable and casual," this drawstring pant offers "the perfect style for relaxed, summertime get-togethers." They also work pretty well for intense 30-minute dry-humping sessions in the VIP at Spearmint Rhino. Features include an "Elasticized Waist with Drawstring Closure", a "zip fly" (nobody will mistake these babies for pajamas!), "slant pockets on hips" (keep your singles within reach), and "back patch pockets with button closures" (keep the rest of your wad out of reach).
#8 The Martial Artist - Few things are sexier than a man who knows how to protect himself and his lady. Whether you're a green belt in taekwondo, or just a dude looking for a thin pair of pants to get freaky in, Black Karate Pants by Macho will make you feel like a combat-ready warrior in the VIP. Features include a "Triangular Crotch Seam for Enhanced Mobility" and an "Elastic Drawstring Waist". Make sure to give a slight bow as you enter the Champagne Room.
#9 The Surgeon - There is no pajama in the Western world that projects more power than the caribbean blue Unisex Scrub Pant. Scrubs are, literally, a pair of pajamas that's socially acceptable to wear out and about--as long as you're a doctor, dentist, nurse, or other medical technician (headed to or from work). But that's the wonderful thing about strip clubs, everything that's said inside the club is part of the fantasy... There's no reason you can't tell the girls you're a surgeon who just did six boob jobs and three noses. Features include an "Easy-pull Drawstring Waist" that is "sewn to the back to prevent slipping" and a "Back Left Pocket" for your wad.
#10 The Cop - Strippers can spot a cop a mile away. The short haircut. The stick up your ass. It's pretty obvious. So don't try to hide your job. Everybody knows cops get horny-as-fuck driving around on an 8-hour power trip. Change your shirt and take off your bullet-proof vest, but wear your department-issue Tactical TacLite Pro Pants straight to the club. Features include a "Diamond Gusset Crotch" to add breadth and reduce stress, a "Locking Flange Zipper" because getting caught with your fly down is not an option (unless you want a new career as a prison guard), and a "Self-adjusting Waistband" (elastic just can't be trusted). Did we mention they're treated with HT Teflon® to shed moisture and prevent staining? Put it all together and these might just be the best strip club pants ever invented.
What NOT to wear:
- Leave the tight jeans at home, cowboy. I don't care how numb your balls are from riding your horse all day... there's just no room for a good time in your Levis.
- Avoid the button fly.
- Leave your belt at home (or in the car).
- Throw that enormous belt buckle away. Better yet, sell it for scrap.
- Unless coming from a formal engagement on a very cold evening, try not to wear a trench-coat.
Undergarments: What kind of underwear should you wear during a lap dance?
Some guys wear silk boxers. Some guys wear whitie-tighties. Some guys show up at the strip club free-balling commando style... The truth is, there's ONLY ONE type of underwear that was specifically designed to accommodate (and stimulate) the male anatomy during a lap dance, and that's Liquid Lapdance "Lap Dance Pants". If you haven't tried them, it's quite an experience. As we say, "You haven't had a lap dance until you've had a Liquid Lapdance." Click here to see Liquid Lapdance in action.